too freaked to sleep

Why do I do this to myself? Really? Why?

I know I've been ignoring the growth on my back. It didn't fit any of the warning signs to be worried about it. But tonight when we were swimming, DH finally noticed and commented about the growth. *sigh*

Now, I feel this wriggling in the back of my mind getting louder...the wriggling I've been TRYING, quite successfully until now, to ignore. The little voice in teh back of my mind says this is more than I think it is. I hate that voice because that voice is ALWAYS right.

Before I got pregnant with my first baby, that little voice said there would be complications and he'd be born early.

When I was pregnant with my fourth baby, the voice said 'you're going to have problems with the heart rate decellerating and will transfer to the hospital, prepare for it' and that's what happened.

Now I don't believe for one minute that any of that is self fulfilling prophesy. I mean, any woman can attest that you can't WILL a baby to come early just because you think it will. Nor can you control the baby's heart rate during the labor.

The wriggling voice has also brought me immediately to my knees in prayer for the safety of my husband. That time, at the very moment of my prayer, the truck he was driving was about to go off a steep embankment on a snowy mountain. For some reason, the truck skidded the other direction ... ya know UP HILL...and he was safe.

And deep in my heart, I feel that one reason I haven't been able to get pregnant is because God wants me to get this taken care of first. But, getting it taken care of is terrifying, too. I mean, you have to admit something is wrong! And, let's face it...even if it is *just* skin cancer...the word cancer is absolutely frightening. No one really wants to face it. Yeah, they can cut it out and it's no big deal, but that big bad ugly word is there...taunting you.

So, by putting this all on "paper" I'm hoping to write out my anxiety over this and be able to sleep. hopefully, I'll be able to post in a couple days that it is all just my overactive imagination and a bad google search.